Change the future

The question that has been on my mind a lot lately is "Where do I start?" 

I guess it is an open ended question, because you're not really sure what I am talking about. Well, I'm about to tell you. Every time I get an assignment for school, or for work, even if I'm just thinking about cleaning up my apartment, the thought "Where do I start?" always crosses my mind. I can't say for sure if I think this out loud or in the own silence of my mind, but I know it is there. I am sure it is there. For things like a school assignment or a work related project, I can clearly find the beginning point. For those things, it is like a race, start here, end here. Plain, simple, easy, done. 

And here comes the time when I could not answer this question myself. I'm going to graduate from college in just a few weeks. I need a career, I need a job. And truthfully, I'm scared out of my mind. There is no clear beginning, no clear end. All that i can see is a vast, open, big, huge, scary, world full of possibilities. 

Now, can someone please tell me "Where do I start?"

Passing Notes

I brought up on Facebook recently how badly I miss passing notes in class. Granted, I am a college student and there aren't many things I want to say to my fellow classmates, but still, note writing I believe is a lost art form. I can go back to elementary school memories and find a few that hold treasured occurrences of passing notes during class. And then I think about middle school, where notes were the ONLY way to communicate with your friends in secret. Then there is high school, freshman and sophomore year I remember notes, but those thoughts seem to fade through junior and senior year. I guess that is when I got my first text-capable cell phone. And thats where this sickening feeling in my stomach happens.

What are future generations going to experience?

Cell phones are given to kids at such a young age now, I can't even tell when texting will take over the note writing experience. Maybe it already has...

I remember losing a few notes, and panicing. I remember coloring my notes all beautiful. I remember folding them in really awesome shapes. I remember passing notes to more than one person. I remember getting caught passing notes. I remember the first note I got where a boy asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember the first note I got that told me my best friend was dating the guy I liked. I remember notes that made me laugh out loud during class. And I remember that the reason why these notes were so much fun, was because they were personalized, hand written, and they took skill to be sneaky.

I have a cousin who is in 7th grade, and the next time I see him, I'm going to ask him if he writes people notes, or sees girls passing notes in class... I really hope he says yes. If he references anything to cell phones and text messaging, I just might cry.

2012 - My Year

It is finally 2012. I think I have been waiting for this year since 2004. I had so many different things in mind for this year. College graduation, turning 22, finding a career to call my own, becoming an adult. And now, it is finally here. I sit back and think about exactly what 2012 meant to me back when I was 14, 16, 18. It meant personal freedom, life achievements, and wisdom. It signaled the end of my undergraduate life and a start of my adult, career life. But now that this year has arrived, I am more scared of what's next than I have ever been before.

When I started high school I knew I wanted to go to college. I knew exactly how I wanted my future to turn out. I had a strong drive to make it into a 4 year University. And after 4 years of tedious hard work, I did just that. The satisfaction of getting into a great college was something that I can't really describe in words. It was really one of the most gratifying days of my life. And I could lie to you and say that I chose UC Davis, but truthfully UC Davis chose me. I wish I could tell you with confidence that I always knew I wanted to be a communications major, but the truth is, I didn't. I thought business was my way to success and true passion, but it wasn't. Life took a major turn for me when I got my acceptance letter to UC Davis. And life will change yet again when I get my diploma from UC Davis.

I have no doubts in my mind that 2012 will be a fantastic, amazing year. Although I am already nervous about what I will do after June 16, 2012. People have been asking me the past year, "What are you going to do when you graduate?" And I usually reply with, "Cry, a lot." I can guarantee you that will be what will happen after my 4 years are over. Some tears will be out of happiness, but the rest will be because of my fear of the unknown.

For my whole life, college has been the future. Now that this accomplishment is almost behind me, where do I go next? I guess I have to plan for another broader future, because the one goal I have set for myself at the young age of 13, is finally close enough for me to touch.

To anyone else going through this same grieving process of letting go of your own youth, please feel free to share with me your concerns as well. I don't think I'm alone in feeling this way.

The Boys of the Past

So, recently I had a craving for old stories. Unfortunately, none of my old high school friends are near me to be able to chat and gossip about the times we laughed and the times we cried, so I did it alone on my couch. Pulling out my diaries made me slightly nervous. Would I remember everything I had wrote about? Would I be embarrassed by my own memories? I can tell you right now, younger me, was pretty awesome. Boy crazy, but awesome.

But I guess that is what brought me to where I am today. All of the boys who have come and gone. All of the young guys who tore at my heart and made me fall for them, with no intention of catching me on the way down.

To a few of the boys I've encountered in my life, Thank you. For being the acception to the rule, and for making sure that even though you knew that I didn't like you in that way, you still stuck around just to be that friend I needed when the other jerks pushed me down.

Elementary school crushes were what started this whole diary nonsense. Thank you to the boy who's hand I almost held in fifth grade during our reading circle time. You were my first real crush, and the first and only boy who asked me to "go steady with you." I can't even tell you how adorable it is to say that right now.

For all the boys that I "loved" in middle school, thank you for teaching me how to interact with the opposite sex. Thank you for talking to me for HOURS on AOL instant messenger, and for teaching me what butterflies feel like. Thank you for being my very first boyfriend even if it lasted only three weeks, and then my boyfriend of only 2 days too. Thank you for not trying to do anything with me, because obviously I was WAY too innocent for that. I have learned from all of the guys who hurt me, and made me think I wasn't "cute" or "hot" or "sexy." I know now, that at the awkward age of 13, no one is hot or sexy. Thanks to the guys who I thought were "just my friends" who liked me. If I wasn't so caught up in the "popular boys" and actually gave you guys a chance, i might have had some great relationships in my teen years.

To the boys in high school who never liked me back, its okay. I forgive most of you. I wasn't ready for a relationship any way, and I know that now. I am so sorry to the guy I turned down for prom sophomore year, it wasn't exactly because of you, I was just so nervous to even think about going on a date. I was 16 and so completely out of my element with boys that I couldn't say yes to you, even if we both knew we were going as just friends. My confidence was so low, that I can tell you with 100% certainty, you weren't the reason I said no, I was. To all the guys that liked me, and I didn't like you back, I'm so sorry. The main reason is probably because I didn't know you liked me, or I was just too blind to see it. I didn't look for the guys who liked me, I found the ones who thought of me as just a "sweet girl" who was meant to be a friend and nothing more. To the boy who asked me to prom while i was sitting in my PJs in my car, I promise you I would have said yes if I hadn't already been asked the night before, and truthfully I wanted to go with you over the guy who asked me first. I don't think I ever told you that. To the guy who asked me to prom and then dumped me as a date before the dance, I'm sorry about that whole thing. I really, truly didn't know that you actually liked me, liked me. If I had known that I wouldn't have been so mean, and I would have said no to being your prom date.

To the one boy in high school who led me on for a full year, I still hate you. I guess I still hate you because every single time you came around I thought, "maybe, just maybe he actually does like me." You suck for being so flirtatious with me. I thought maybe this guy who calls me babe, talks to me for hours, comes by to bring me ice cream when I'm sad because of stupid leadership elections, actually likes me. But come to find out, it was just a game you liked to play with innocent girls like me, who gave you attention to make your ego that much bigger. Little did I know you were just like every other guy, telling me I'm friend material but not girlfriend material. Well guess what? I've been in a committed relationship for 3 years. So who's not girlfriend material now? And you know what else? Innocence slips away with time. You can read whatever you want into that.

And as my final thank you, thank you to Andrew. For being the acception to any rule I had thought was made. Thank you for actually seeing me like no one else had seen me. Thank you for taking a step and asking me on a date, my very first REAL date. Thank you for being the guy who caught me for once. I don't know where I would be with out you today. Thank you for loving me, for caring for me, for putting up with me. I love you with all of my heart, and I guess I finally realized that when you're not looking for someone, you find someone.

I guess now all I can do is sit back and laugh about the boys who came and went. I guess I wish I could talk to my 13 year old self, or my 17 year old self, and tell me, to stop writing about the boys who broke my heart! But I realize that the subject of boys was the only thing I found worthy enough of writing down onto paper, because saying all of the stuff out loud, was too hard. Writing to myself was something that made me feel better and made my life easier to live. I really recommend writing in a journal. I guess a lot of people use online blogs like this as their journals, and thats all amazing. But when you have a daughter, or a son, buy him or her a diary. And have them write in it every night. When they are 21 years old and are about to graduate college, they will thank you. Because right now, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else but reading my diaries from 1998-2008.

NOVEMBER ALREADY?

I seriously cannot believe that it is already November 14th.
I guess when I woke up this morning it hit me. I have only a few more weeks until the end of this quarter and then only 2 more quarters left of my Undergraduate college career. And then it got me thinking, what am I going to do after I graduate? Live my life bored in my apartment? No way. I have to find something productive to do with my life. But am I ready for a full time job? No way. Not unless it is the dream job I have in mind... Which I do not think is going to happen any time soon.
I need to move.
I need a change.
I need more time.

Tonight

Tonight is the night where 
sparks fly 

Tonight is the night we are fearless

Tonight is the night that will leave us enchanted

Tonight we will hear our song, 

dance around to a love story, 

and find ourselves fifteen again. 

Tonight is the night we will be in the midst of a superstar. 

Miss Taylor Swift, tonight is Ours.

The Writing Process

I just realized my writing process is really screwed up. I need a better way to continue to write without getting distracted. See, I want my future novel or novels to encompass a variety of audience members. I don't want just one group of people to adore my work the way I adore the works of other authors. I know its not easy to become a writer, and that it takes so much to actually create a work of literature, but I want it so badly. I want someone to pick up my book at night, and get pulled into each word, each sentence, each paragraph. I want every page to be an adventure, and when the book is finally over, I want each and every person to miss the characters within the story. I want them to adore the people I create, and I want them to understand the emotions each and every character faces. If I could predict which one of my many stories would be my crowning moment, I would do it. But I am fully aware that my writing process needs some extreme depth and extreme critique. If you have gotten fairly decent grades in any writing class, or you have a love for literature, please let me know. I need an editor, someone who believes in my abilities, and someone who is willing to take the plunge with me. I'm ready to explore my creative writing talents, but I cannot do it alone.