The Boys of the Past

So, recently I had a craving for old stories. Unfortunately, none of my old high school friends are near me to be able to chat and gossip about the times we laughed and the times we cried, so I did it alone on my couch. Pulling out my diaries made me slightly nervous. Would I remember everything I had wrote about? Would I be embarrassed by my own memories? I can tell you right now, younger me, was pretty awesome. Boy crazy, but awesome.

But I guess that is what brought me to where I am today. All of the boys who have come and gone. All of the young guys who tore at my heart and made me fall for them, with no intention of catching me on the way down.

To a few of the boys I've encountered in my life, Thank you. For being the acception to the rule, and for making sure that even though you knew that I didn't like you in that way, you still stuck around just to be that friend I needed when the other jerks pushed me down.

Elementary school crushes were what started this whole diary nonsense. Thank you to the boy who's hand I almost held in fifth grade during our reading circle time. You were my first real crush, and the first and only boy who asked me to "go steady with you." I can't even tell you how adorable it is to say that right now.

For all the boys that I "loved" in middle school, thank you for teaching me how to interact with the opposite sex. Thank you for talking to me for HOURS on AOL instant messenger, and for teaching me what butterflies feel like. Thank you for being my very first boyfriend even if it lasted only three weeks, and then my boyfriend of only 2 days too. Thank you for not trying to do anything with me, because obviously I was WAY too innocent for that. I have learned from all of the guys who hurt me, and made me think I wasn't "cute" or "hot" or "sexy." I know now, that at the awkward age of 13, no one is hot or sexy. Thanks to the guys who I thought were "just my friends" who liked me. If I wasn't so caught up in the "popular boys" and actually gave you guys a chance, i might have had some great relationships in my teen years.

To the boys in high school who never liked me back, its okay. I forgive most of you. I wasn't ready for a relationship any way, and I know that now. I am so sorry to the guy I turned down for prom sophomore year, it wasn't exactly because of you, I was just so nervous to even think about going on a date. I was 16 and so completely out of my element with boys that I couldn't say yes to you, even if we both knew we were going as just friends. My confidence was so low, that I can tell you with 100% certainty, you weren't the reason I said no, I was. To all the guys that liked me, and I didn't like you back, I'm so sorry. The main reason is probably because I didn't know you liked me, or I was just too blind to see it. I didn't look for the guys who liked me, I found the ones who thought of me as just a "sweet girl" who was meant to be a friend and nothing more. To the boy who asked me to prom while i was sitting in my PJs in my car, I promise you I would have said yes if I hadn't already been asked the night before, and truthfully I wanted to go with you over the guy who asked me first. I don't think I ever told you that. To the guy who asked me to prom and then dumped me as a date before the dance, I'm sorry about that whole thing. I really, truly didn't know that you actually liked me, liked me. If I had known that I wouldn't have been so mean, and I would have said no to being your prom date.

To the one boy in high school who led me on for a full year, I still hate you. I guess I still hate you because every single time you came around I thought, "maybe, just maybe he actually does like me." You suck for being so flirtatious with me. I thought maybe this guy who calls me babe, talks to me for hours, comes by to bring me ice cream when I'm sad because of stupid leadership elections, actually likes me. But come to find out, it was just a game you liked to play with innocent girls like me, who gave you attention to make your ego that much bigger. Little did I know you were just like every other guy, telling me I'm friend material but not girlfriend material. Well guess what? I've been in a committed relationship for 3 years. So who's not girlfriend material now? And you know what else? Innocence slips away with time. You can read whatever you want into that.

And as my final thank you, thank you to Andrew. For being the acception to any rule I had thought was made. Thank you for actually seeing me like no one else had seen me. Thank you for taking a step and asking me on a date, my very first REAL date. Thank you for being the guy who caught me for once. I don't know where I would be with out you today. Thank you for loving me, for caring for me, for putting up with me. I love you with all of my heart, and I guess I finally realized that when you're not looking for someone, you find someone.

I guess now all I can do is sit back and laugh about the boys who came and went. I guess I wish I could talk to my 13 year old self, or my 17 year old self, and tell me, to stop writing about the boys who broke my heart! But I realize that the subject of boys was the only thing I found worthy enough of writing down onto paper, because saying all of the stuff out loud, was too hard. Writing to myself was something that made me feel better and made my life easier to live. I really recommend writing in a journal. I guess a lot of people use online blogs like this as their journals, and thats all amazing. But when you have a daughter, or a son, buy him or her a diary. And have them write in it every night. When they are 21 years old and are about to graduate college, they will thank you. Because right now, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else but reading my diaries from 1998-2008.

NOVEMBER ALREADY?

I seriously cannot believe that it is already November 14th.
I guess when I woke up this morning it hit me. I have only a few more weeks until the end of this quarter and then only 2 more quarters left of my Undergraduate college career. And then it got me thinking, what am I going to do after I graduate? Live my life bored in my apartment? No way. I have to find something productive to do with my life. But am I ready for a full time job? No way. Not unless it is the dream job I have in mind... Which I do not think is going to happen any time soon.
I need to move.
I need a change.
I need more time.